Sunday, June 14, 2009

Absolution

I got a call from my previous employer today. We had a nice chat and she told me what was going on and I told her how much better I was feeling now that I didn't have to get up and go to work everyday. I also told her what happened was most definitely a blessing in disguise because it was time for me to finally rest from the chemotherapy and, what I think was more important, get my lazy butt out of the slumming mentality. She told me she knew from the beginning that I was far more talented that I let on and in retrospect, I have been sabotaging my own talents and abilities for a while now. Partly because of fear of failure, or better yet, fear of success. I've realized now what a waste of my life I was making of my professional career, even going as far to convince myself that my best days have past me by. I've been talking and thinking like a loser for too long. The phone call was a much needed shot in the arm for me and I'm really glad she did call. Even if it was in response to a letter I wrote to her last week basically letting her know that I had no hard feelings and I understood the difficult position she was in to contain expenses.
The inspiration to write the letter came to me one morning last week as I was just waking up. There's something about that twilight area that my brain goes to during those periods that allows me to see and wrap my thoughts around things in a very clear way. I knew that I had to write the letter as soon as I got of bed and I did. And I'm glad because I was able to release whatever negativity I was still harboring inside and to spread a more positive karma around the situation and the people involved in it. I feel that I've just gotten a glimpse of the potentially wonderful life ahead of me if I try to anchor my thoughts from this perspective.

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